The threat of ambiguous loss.
Another day of Anna taking the tenderest and messiest words and experiences straight out of my heart and making them make sense while making me feel seen in in every way 😭💜 it hurts so good and I adore you
My dad lived with terminal cancer for 3-1/2 years before he died. I can relate to the jealousy you speak of so deeply. I was mad at everyone who’s parents weren’t sick, and at basically everyone who was older than him (he was in his early 60s) who wasn’t visibly sick. It was totally irrational as I wouldn’t wish what he went through on anyone. I just wanted my beloved dad to not be sick and dying. And sometimes it got too big to hold and spilled out. Thinking of you and your family while you float in the in-between.
Every time I feel jealous of anything I think "but smart and independent broads don't get jealous, so you must not be smart or independent". I want a better dad. I want my brother to not be dead. I want my shitbag ex boyfriend to not be an abusive yet wildly handsome fuckwad so that shit could have worked out. I want to not writhe in discomfort with pms and live in a world where I can at least not also have to work while writhing in discomfort, both physical and emotional. These are things that a smart broad would want and nobody escapes humanity and when you see folks that seem to have those things? Jealousy. Pffft. Annoying. I'm going to talk to my new therapist about this. The way that jealousy bleeds together and through loss and anticipation of loss and grief....she's gonna love it. Hang in there fellow human. Watermelon is life.
fascinating enchanting captivating 🙏🏽
Thanks for writing this and sharing it. Your writing always takes me to a place where I don’t feel alone. it usually brings me a tear and a smile. Thanks ♥️
A perfect leo new moon transmission. Thanks for sharing your heart!
Absolutely get these feelings of jealousy but you hit the nail on the head in the last sentence and I will add - sometimes the “other people” / perfect looking families have the most holes, they just haven’t fallen apart yet. Beaming you a lot of love x
Arggggh jealousy. And art. And families. All the stuff!
Another beautiful stack that hit me in the heart on many levels. Thank you Anna ❤️
i love you
Wow. I feel all of this so deeply. Thank you for sharing. I have already lost my father, and am also in the process of losing my mother to dementia. The jealousy of anything related to a “normal” “healthy” family is excruciating.
Poet Franny Choi writes of grief like you. from my favorite poem of hers, “Grief is a Thing with Tense Issues:”
You were good. You lasted.
And at last you were—I mean,
you "had been." / You will "had been." / I will have missed your "is".
grieving happens anticipatorily, and again, and in different ways, and through jealousy. i understand that for my relationship with my mother. thanks for taking a good hard look with me.
What does “doing the list every day” mean?
not me jealous about this potato salad
I’m jealous all the time. Of people whose parents are still alive and married to each other. Of people who grew up in financially stable households. Of people who others like to take photos of.
You can always write about the saddest shit but I’ll still giggle by the end of it. “When an artist seems to be mentally sane while using Instagram” shot me through the roof. Anyway, sending love Anna ♥️
So much 💌