"It is a question of my willingness to make something imperfect, or ugly, and how much resilience I have to face that reality repeatedly." This this this. To be an artist at the same time as you, one of god's great gifts. Thanks for this one <3
I originally read the title as "turns out i'm pretty" and read most of the essay under that guidance before I realized what was happening. I liked how the sentiment applied to both: I can think these things of myself, they can be true, and they can be safe with me.
"My being an artist is not a question of being able to make artwork. It is a question of my willingness to make something imperfect, or ugly, and how much resilience I have to face that reality repeatedly."
I love this. It's true. I'm a visual artist and most of the time I think I make crap art because it doesn't look like anything anybody else has made. In actual fact, that's amazing! But I refuse to believe it.
Haha, I was just about to paste this exact quote so I could comment on how much I needed these words today. I've always had trouble calling myself an artist or writer, I think because I felt I had to earn that title in some way. That it was based on my ability to be productive and consistent and make what I considered "good art". One of my favourite things about Substack has been finding artists who tell me otherwise, and who show me how beautiful and messy the process can be if you let it.
Daughter of a bad dad here, and though long (happily) estranged, he's in my thoughts frequently these days. Next week I'll celebrate earning an advanced degree. My incredible family of husband and kids will cheer me from the stands with the purest pride. I'm deeply grateful for my life, marveling that this is me, and part of that is fueled by pettiness... it is me, not the three sons, who has built a stable life, rich in love and confident in my path. It is with a sunny smile that I reflect on how much my dad is missing out on, because something wonderful is happening here, and it is mine. My ambition and choices aren't based in pettiness, but it does walk hand-in-hand with my gratitude.
I love this reflection Darby! I think about it this way a lot too - like, wow, he is MISSING OUT!!! "My ambition and choices aren't based in pettiness, but it does walk hand-in-hand with my gratitude." Beautiful.
Excellent read, as ever. I loved what you had to say about your father. My relationship with my mother is strained in a similar way. I don’t know if it’s disappointment she feels about me, or jealousy that I may succeed at being artist when she gave it all up to have a family. I want to reframe every biting and dismissive comment as motivation to say “I did it despite your doubt, despite the bitter seed you tried to plant in my heart.” This moves me to keep going. You move me to keep going. Thank you.
Amazing how many of us are siblings sharing the same shitty Dad. My mother said the other day that no-one in our family had done a long distance walk. Then she said, wait, didn't your dad do a marathon in the desert? And then at once we both said 'did he??' He sat around and bragged about a hundred things he didn't do and pulled me down when I tried to do anything. Well, I did do it and I am doing it and I'm going to continue doing it and it doesn't matter how well I do it because doing it at all is better than not doing it.
From one petty, spiteful ass to another- thank you for sharing this. I am also estranged from my father (there is a lot of "you'll never be good enough" in our mess too), and just hearing someone touch on this topic made me feel a little less alone.
First, thank you for those stickers! I love especially the one with "cowboy says".
Do you like receiving letters from Europe too?
Well. The dad thing.
You know, I've got that kind of dad too. I remember a lot of stuff he said to me like "you will never be a hand model, cause you a biting your nails and your hand are too small and they don't look elegant enough. " it was painful to hear. I really could not accept. But than I recognize I've already made lots of photos of my hands for my jewelry designs ☺️🤝❣ and I've made like 150 drawings in the hand series.
Well and dad said, that people like me,less talented hardly get an artist.
The truth is. He is a photographer. He is an artist with words. Not great. Not known. So what?!
I decided to break family circles with 16y. Now I am 50 years.
And I did it.
It was hurtful. It took too much time. (Cowboy, you are so right!)
When I keep showing my art as unknown as I am, as invisible and unseen, but overflowing with ideas, this is the most revolutionary act i could ever do.
My dad wouldn't do it.
But. My dad now starts to show his photos too.
I'm not mad at him.
I'm neurodivers. And i guess he is too. It was a journey and. Time was on my side. He just had all those concerts and travels and Hippies ect.
And i was in the right time and position for a circle break. And i needed all of my anger to cut through. Without destroying any relationship.
And now I am finally free and k realize my hurt is real and his love also. Both story are like parallel and never get in touch again (maybe). But they had their times. This is why it is so extremely hurtful.
And secret from old ones: I still feel like a 3 year old,13 year old, 16 year old...ect. I'm getting more and more rich on perspectives.
Who cares wrinkles, if they could have perspectives?
☺️🤟 love your art! Good to recognize you (thanks to Cody)
Father left my family when I was 20 yo (now I’m 30 yo, and we don’t talk for years).
Sometimes I’m exhausted of trying to be interesting enough for people just because I am not interesting enough for him. But some days I feel truly sincerely grateful for the experience — fuck yeah I became super interesting & overall strong after this alienation. And yeah — just because I keep believing & practicing love — my father can’t win.
that just did it for me. saved my day, made the new one tomorrow when I wake up. thank you. and it gave me an idea for something I need to do. thank you again. love ivy
this was such an insightful read. as someone who prides himself on being resilient, i've never stopped to think about my motivations. if i had to guess, i'd say my resilience comes from some combination of wanting to make good things, and desire to be accepted. either way, it's interesting to think of how we can take this complicated feelings and turn them into something (hopefully) positive. thank you!
Ethan, I love this reflection so much - it reminds me that I can write about something that feels so specific or topical, and it can transmute itself into being about something else entirely for someone else.
Thanks so much for writing this 🫶🏼. I also have an absent dad, so reading this made me think of that pain in a new perspective I’d love to implement in my life 💜
First, I'm so sorry you have this situation, but Anna, what a fantastic outlook. So eloquently stated. Plain and simple. The sentence on being an artist (several quoted below) grabbed me. And this one too ... doing the work of being me. Taking that one with me today. <3
"It is a question of my willingness to make something imperfect, or ugly, and how much resilience I have to face that reality repeatedly." This this this. To be an artist at the same time as you, one of god's great gifts. Thanks for this one <3
I originally read the title as "turns out i'm pretty" and read most of the essay under that guidance before I realized what was happening. I liked how the sentiment applied to both: I can think these things of myself, they can be true, and they can be safe with me.
now it's all I see too, great.
OMG I TOTALLY DID TOO LOL
"My being an artist is not a question of being able to make artwork. It is a question of my willingness to make something imperfect, or ugly, and how much resilience I have to face that reality repeatedly."
I love this. It's true. I'm a visual artist and most of the time I think I make crap art because it doesn't look like anything anybody else has made. In actual fact, that's amazing! But I refuse to believe it.
Haha, I was just about to paste this exact quote so I could comment on how much I needed these words today. I've always had trouble calling myself an artist or writer, I think because I felt I had to earn that title in some way. That it was based on my ability to be productive and consistent and make what I considered "good art". One of my favourite things about Substack has been finding artists who tell me otherwise, and who show me how beautiful and messy the process can be if you let it.
Daughter of a bad dad here, and though long (happily) estranged, he's in my thoughts frequently these days. Next week I'll celebrate earning an advanced degree. My incredible family of husband and kids will cheer me from the stands with the purest pride. I'm deeply grateful for my life, marveling that this is me, and part of that is fueled by pettiness... it is me, not the three sons, who has built a stable life, rich in love and confident in my path. It is with a sunny smile that I reflect on how much my dad is missing out on, because something wonderful is happening here, and it is mine. My ambition and choices aren't based in pettiness, but it does walk hand-in-hand with my gratitude.
I love this reflection Darby! I think about it this way a lot too - like, wow, he is MISSING OUT!!! "My ambition and choices aren't based in pettiness, but it does walk hand-in-hand with my gratitude." Beautiful.
"Sometimes the only thing to do is to let the universe know I’m paying attention."
Excellent read, as ever. I loved what you had to say about your father. My relationship with my mother is strained in a similar way. I don’t know if it’s disappointment she feels about me, or jealousy that I may succeed at being artist when she gave it all up to have a family. I want to reframe every biting and dismissive comment as motivation to say “I did it despite your doubt, despite the bitter seed you tried to plant in my heart.” This moves me to keep going. You move me to keep going. Thank you.
Transmuting the bitterness or cruelty the best way we can <3
Amazing how many of us are siblings sharing the same shitty Dad. My mother said the other day that no-one in our family had done a long distance walk. Then she said, wait, didn't your dad do a marathon in the desert? And then at once we both said 'did he??' He sat around and bragged about a hundred things he didn't do and pulled me down when I tried to do anything. Well, I did do it and I am doing it and I'm going to continue doing it and it doesn't matter how well I do it because doing it at all is better than not doing it.
Doing it at all is better than not doing it. Our only job is this: to not be afraid. Thanks for reading.
That's an embroidery piece for sure.
From one petty, spiteful ass to another- thank you for sharing this. I am also estranged from my father (there is a lot of "you'll never be good enough" in our mess too), and just hearing someone touch on this topic made me feel a little less alone.
I'm so glad, thanks for reading.
I kinda hate references to "superpowers" but I have to say: being petty probably is my superpower.
Not surprising, but quite possibly my favorite comment. Thanks Chris.
First, thank you for those stickers! I love especially the one with "cowboy says".
Do you like receiving letters from Europe too?
Well. The dad thing.
You know, I've got that kind of dad too. I remember a lot of stuff he said to me like "you will never be a hand model, cause you a biting your nails and your hand are too small and they don't look elegant enough. " it was painful to hear. I really could not accept. But than I recognize I've already made lots of photos of my hands for my jewelry designs ☺️🤝❣ and I've made like 150 drawings in the hand series.
Well and dad said, that people like me,less talented hardly get an artist.
The truth is. He is a photographer. He is an artist with words. Not great. Not known. So what?!
I decided to break family circles with 16y. Now I am 50 years.
And I did it.
It was hurtful. It took too much time. (Cowboy, you are so right!)
When I keep showing my art as unknown as I am, as invisible and unseen, but overflowing with ideas, this is the most revolutionary act i could ever do.
My dad wouldn't do it.
But. My dad now starts to show his photos too.
I'm not mad at him.
I'm neurodivers. And i guess he is too. It was a journey and. Time was on my side. He just had all those concerts and travels and Hippies ect.
And i was in the right time and position for a circle break. And i needed all of my anger to cut through. Without destroying any relationship.
And now I am finally free and k realize my hurt is real and his love also. Both story are like parallel and never get in touch again (maybe). But they had their times. This is why it is so extremely hurtful.
And secret from old ones: I still feel like a 3 year old,13 year old, 16 year old...ect. I'm getting more and more rich on perspectives.
Who cares wrinkles, if they could have perspectives?
☺️🤟 love your art! Good to recognize you (thanks to Cody)
Thank you for these final words.
Father left my family when I was 20 yo (now I’m 30 yo, and we don’t talk for years).
Sometimes I’m exhausted of trying to be interesting enough for people just because I am not interesting enough for him. But some days I feel truly sincerely grateful for the experience — fuck yeah I became super interesting & overall strong after this alienation. And yeah — just because I keep believing & practicing love — my father can’t win.
I feel the same way "just because I keep believing & practicing love — my father can’t win." Thank you Daria.
that just did it for me. saved my day, made the new one tomorrow when I wake up. thank you. and it gave me an idea for something I need to do. thank you again. love ivy
thank you Ivy, that means a lot.
this was such an insightful read. as someone who prides himself on being resilient, i've never stopped to think about my motivations. if i had to guess, i'd say my resilience comes from some combination of wanting to make good things, and desire to be accepted. either way, it's interesting to think of how we can take this complicated feelings and turn them into something (hopefully) positive. thank you!
Ethan, I love this reflection so much - it reminds me that I can write about something that feels so specific or topical, and it can transmute itself into being about something else entirely for someone else.
Thanks so much for writing this 🫶🏼. I also have an absent dad, so reading this made me think of that pain in a new perspective I’d love to implement in my life 💜
Here for it! Thanks for being here for me too.
🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
First, I'm so sorry you have this situation, but Anna, what a fantastic outlook. So eloquently stated. Plain and simple. The sentence on being an artist (several quoted below) grabbed me. And this one too ... doing the work of being me. Taking that one with me today. <3
Thanks for being here Lynn <3
Oh the forever dance of being ok with making shitty things 💛. Congrats on officially almost opening your shop!
The endless, inevitable dance!