While reading this I kept thinking of a construct that has been really helpful for me which is "story follow state." Essentially it means that while of course we know that our thoughts have the power to affect our nervous system and make us feel shitty (state following story...) we also basically make up stories to match whatever state our nervous system is in. I realized this really potently about being hungover in my 30s, I would have so much bodily anxiety and find stories to explain it. PMS too is a good example. Reminding myself that I'm good at making up stories, and not believing them has helped me to just observe my state and know that it will pass. Especially for a storyteller like you, pat yourself on the back for your excellent and convincing storytelling, and then let it go!
This part "with her big, pregnant fecundity" made me laugh out loud.
I was always Never Kids™️. So was Ben, my husband. We agreed on it on our first date. I was 29. Then, five years into our relationship, my interest in kids went from 0% to 10%. I told him something strange was happening. He sad, "can you make it unhappen?" Then it went to 40%. Then as it crested over 50%, I told him I would understand if he wanted a divorce, given that I was spiraling into wanting to procreate. His response was "if anyone is having kids with you, it's me." So now, 8 years after our first date, we're planning to start trying next month.
But in the back of mind, I still wonder, "ah fuck is he gonna just leave me with this fucking kid" 😂 There is always a part of me that will connect creating a life with losing one — whether it's in monogamy, mortality, or autonomy. Anyway, I'll keep you posted lol.
"Even if all of you are not sitting in your boyfriend's car, asking him about the likelihood of the worst case scenario that you've crafted" ... oh but I am. I AM!
Thank you Anna. I would love to hear more from you about not wanting children. I wanted them all my life until my early thirties (the wrong way round?!) I’m now 34 and feel fairly certain that I don’t want them, but I also really struggle with that decision (as so many women do). I second guess myself all the time- is it just because I haven’t found the right man? Do I secretly want them but lie to myself to make it seem like I don’t care? The stakes feel so high. My sister loves to remind me about her friends who hit 40 and then suddenly wanted children and couldn’t have them....WHAT IF THAT IS ME. I so admire and envy women who proudly and unequivocally assert that they don’t want kids. I wish I could do the same but I still really wrestle with it all the time. I guess I just need to sit in the grey and let life unfold. Anyway I’m interested in how you feel about the question. Thank you for your wonderful words. X
I’m having a break from instagram too - in pursuit of ‘healthier’ distractions. So far so good, I seem to be consuming ‘better’ media - I always look forward to your writings coming out so thank you very much ❤️
It wasn’t just that I felt like Instagram was a distraction, I just didn’t feel like I had any control over the content I was seeing and some of it just pure triggered me. I similarly realised that I was looking too deeply inside and it wasn’t making me happier. I always remember the line in 20th Century Women where the Mother tells her son that the fastest way to become unhappy is to ask yourself if you’re happy. It’s golden.
Anyway, I felt that Instagram was totally driving that. I get similar RA which was exaggerated by IG and now when I feel really in need of love from my partner (which I am lucky to get in abundance) I pause and distance myself from the actions I’m taking to win that love and it really brings a lot more chill into my life. Sorry, essay, but been on my mind recently and your writing helped me reconcile it all in my head, so thank you. 💜
These are exquisite observations and revelations. Thank you. I subscribed to The Imperfectionist and thoroughly enjoyed everything. (Slowly making my way through ASMR Devendra.)
Having just returned from an 8 month Instagram hiatus & reaching and end to my reckoning with the Grand Question Of Whether To Fulfill My Female Biological Prerogative Or Not (I’m 5 months pregnant) & currently reading 4000 Weeks...this was spooky-relevant for me in a nice way.
You articulate so many sentiments I’ve felt throughout the last year/lifetime & haven’t been able to translate to words. Thank you 🤍
Good ness. I’m having trouble finding words to put to the emotions I felt while listening to this. But damn. Tears were shed. Laughs were had. THANK YOU as always for sharing Anna 🫂❤️🔥
My friend lives your nightmare - to a point. He was 100% against having kids. Then changed his mind after the death of a close friend. She’d always been unfussed either way. So in their late 30s they began trying. Failing to get pregnant and exhausting all options, plus the IVF drugs made her feel crazy and put strain on the relationship further. He decided to leave to find someone to have kids with. And then he came to his senses (or felt the guilt of being the one who changed his mind just as her fertility window was closing). He stayed. Fast forward another 10 years and he is almost bed ridden with depression (which may or may not be related). She now has a dependent she didn’t want - her husband.
You cannot predict your own feelings, yet alone what your partners will be in the future. You have no choice but to learn to accept uncertainty.
Ps. Love OB. Have you read Bittersweet by Susan Cain? Musing on mortality and uncertainty in an equally engaging way.
I mean which are reallynameless states of being out of the news about our in between state that carries humiliatiin with it. TheBuddhist "no tooth ache" . Pauline Boss does not get her word for it into her ambiguous grief books. It was in her interview on "on Being" podcast that she described for people whose equanimity is devasted by grief. To notice what you do that does not make you enemies by day and that does not rob you of sleep? And aaks her clients to draw a line under that behavior whatsoever in the world, and make the stolen moments you feel no tooth ache your baseline. Poets , our last breakthrough was in 1938 when WCWilliams said no ideas except in things. Not to think in other words says the poet if you are carrying the carnival to druther find a useful thing that lived up to its dimwitteded purpose
While reading this I kept thinking of a construct that has been really helpful for me which is "story follow state." Essentially it means that while of course we know that our thoughts have the power to affect our nervous system and make us feel shitty (state following story...) we also basically make up stories to match whatever state our nervous system is in. I realized this really potently about being hungover in my 30s, I would have so much bodily anxiety and find stories to explain it. PMS too is a good example. Reminding myself that I'm good at making up stories, and not believing them has helped me to just observe my state and know that it will pass. Especially for a storyteller like you, pat yourself on the back for your excellent and convincing storytelling, and then let it go!
This part "with her big, pregnant fecundity" made me laugh out loud.
I was always Never Kids™️. So was Ben, my husband. We agreed on it on our first date. I was 29. Then, five years into our relationship, my interest in kids went from 0% to 10%. I told him something strange was happening. He sad, "can you make it unhappen?" Then it went to 40%. Then as it crested over 50%, I told him I would understand if he wanted a divorce, given that I was spiraling into wanting to procreate. His response was "if anyone is having kids with you, it's me." So now, 8 years after our first date, we're planning to start trying next month.
But in the back of mind, I still wonder, "ah fuck is he gonna just leave me with this fucking kid" 😂 There is always a part of me that will connect creating a life with losing one — whether it's in monogamy, mortality, or autonomy. Anyway, I'll keep you posted lol.
This piece sent me into free-fall and to that, Anna Fusco, I say thank god and also fuck you.
"Even if all of you are not sitting in your boyfriend's car, asking him about the likelihood of the worst case scenario that you've crafted" ... oh but I am. I AM!
Thank you Anna. I would love to hear more from you about not wanting children. I wanted them all my life until my early thirties (the wrong way round?!) I’m now 34 and feel fairly certain that I don’t want them, but I also really struggle with that decision (as so many women do). I second guess myself all the time- is it just because I haven’t found the right man? Do I secretly want them but lie to myself to make it seem like I don’t care? The stakes feel so high. My sister loves to remind me about her friends who hit 40 and then suddenly wanted children and couldn’t have them....WHAT IF THAT IS ME. I so admire and envy women who proudly and unequivocally assert that they don’t want kids. I wish I could do the same but I still really wrestle with it all the time. I guess I just need to sit in the grey and let life unfold. Anyway I’m interested in how you feel about the question. Thank you for your wonderful words. X
I’m having a break from instagram too - in pursuit of ‘healthier’ distractions. So far so good, I seem to be consuming ‘better’ media - I always look forward to your writings coming out so thank you very much ❤️
It wasn’t just that I felt like Instagram was a distraction, I just didn’t feel like I had any control over the content I was seeing and some of it just pure triggered me. I similarly realised that I was looking too deeply inside and it wasn’t making me happier. I always remember the line in 20th Century Women where the Mother tells her son that the fastest way to become unhappy is to ask yourself if you’re happy. It’s golden.
Anyway, I felt that Instagram was totally driving that. I get similar RA which was exaggerated by IG and now when I feel really in need of love from my partner (which I am lucky to get in abundance) I pause and distance myself from the actions I’m taking to win that love and it really brings a lot more chill into my life. Sorry, essay, but been on my mind recently and your writing helped me reconcile it all in my head, so thank you. 💜
Loved this podcast episode on not wanting kids while still wanting a life filled with meaning: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/creation-contribution-and-collectivism-with-adrienne/id1642683714?i=1000591800814
yeah honestly this is one of the best, most impactful things i’ve read in a couple of years. thanks for showing up. thanks for sharing shit.
These are exquisite observations and revelations. Thank you. I subscribed to The Imperfectionist and thoroughly enjoyed everything. (Slowly making my way through ASMR Devendra.)
Having just returned from an 8 month Instagram hiatus & reaching and end to my reckoning with the Grand Question Of Whether To Fulfill My Female Biological Prerogative Or Not (I’m 5 months pregnant) & currently reading 4000 Weeks...this was spooky-relevant for me in a nice way.
You articulate so many sentiments I’ve felt throughout the last year/lifetime & haven’t been able to translate to words. Thank you 🤍
Good ness. I’m having trouble finding words to put to the emotions I felt while listening to this. But damn. Tears were shed. Laughs were had. THANK YOU as always for sharing Anna 🫂❤️🔥
I’m definitely going to do some introspection later about this post. Thanks for sharing.
My friend lives your nightmare - to a point. He was 100% against having kids. Then changed his mind after the death of a close friend. She’d always been unfussed either way. So in their late 30s they began trying. Failing to get pregnant and exhausting all options, plus the IVF drugs made her feel crazy and put strain on the relationship further. He decided to leave to find someone to have kids with. And then he came to his senses (or felt the guilt of being the one who changed his mind just as her fertility window was closing). He stayed. Fast forward another 10 years and he is almost bed ridden with depression (which may or may not be related). She now has a dependent she didn’t want - her husband.
You cannot predict your own feelings, yet alone what your partners will be in the future. You have no choice but to learn to accept uncertainty.
Ps. Love OB. Have you read Bittersweet by Susan Cain? Musing on mortality and uncertainty in an equally engaging way.
Love OB
Might be there are not thousands of ways
I mean which are reallynameless states of being out of the news about our in between state that carries humiliatiin with it. TheBuddhist "no tooth ache" . Pauline Boss does not get her word for it into her ambiguous grief books. It was in her interview on "on Being" podcast that she described for people whose equanimity is devasted by grief. To notice what you do that does not make you enemies by day and that does not rob you of sleep? And aaks her clients to draw a line under that behavior whatsoever in the world, and make the stolen moments you feel no tooth ache your baseline. Poets , our last breakthrough was in 1938 when WCWilliams said no ideas except in things. Not to think in other words says the poet if you are carrying the carnival to druther find a useful thing that lived up to its dimwitteded purpose