I do want to put in a plug for being friends with one's exes, if you managed to make it out with enough trust and respect intact and can still imagine enjoying each other's company. It can be a difficult transition but it's really worth it in some cases (absolutely not all - very case by case).
On Saturday my ex-husband and I biked to the pool, hung out there for a few hours laying in the grass talking and occasionally jumping in, went for hamburgers, and stopped at Trader Joe's on the bike ride home. He had just returned my e-bike, which he tuned up for me in exchange for borrowing it for a few weeks, and I had brought him some fun travel souvenirs in exchange for the money he spent on parts. We're both happy in other relationships that are a better fit for us, but he's still one of my best friends, and I'm so thankful we didn't throw that out when we figured out our relationship didn't work well enough. I understand we may be a rare case, but I also wish I'd seen more models of this so I feel compelled to put it out into the world - it's possible.
God this essay makes me grieve for the close platonic friendships with women I've cultivated over the years. While they still exist, the calls of American commerce scatter us in a shitty diaspora across thousands of miles and our connections becomes just another feed to read. In my area, I know I will rebuild. It just takes time - and it's slower with every repetition, especially with a child.
Thank you for this. I relate to so much of what you wrote, though I come at it with a different perspective as someone who has been single for most of my life. My one long term partner was my friend for years before we were together and though we tried to be friends after we ended, it was too painful. Only after many years do I feel like we could be friends again. I miss my friend. But now our lives are very different; he’s married with a house and a baby and I’m single trying to figure out how to build a life outside the norm of a nuclear family. I so fear losing my friends to their partners as they become more intertwined and retreat further into their own unit. It’s hard being single in a world built for couples. It feels like everyone assumes singlehood is a temporary state on the way to partnership. But what if it’s not for me? What if I prefer to prioritize other relationships including the one with myself? I can only hope to find a community and living situation as nourishing as yours seems ❤️
i like the idea of relationship anarchy as a means of divorcing myself of the patriarchy and its traps and i also deeply fantasize about building a home/life with one person who is waiting for me on the porch with a dog.
Thank you for your beautiful, genuine, sincere letters, Anna. You open my heart to the concept of community as a living organism, a thing that morphs. In our culture of rules and restrictions, that unpredictable freedom can feel scary. But maybe it is its own kind of brave beauty, if we can let it be.
A banger of an essay. This resonates a lot. I am friends with my ex boyfriend of 5 years, and while I love him dearly it’s very much in a family way. I’m glad we remained friends even though other people give it the side eye. I desperately wanted a relationship and someone to rely on for a couple years but recently I’ve come to accept being single. Not quite “giving up” but just appreciating being single and the flexibility.
“It’s not the relationships that I miss. It isn’t the romantic partnership or compulsive monogamy that I crave. I just want my friends back.” I know exactly how you feel ❤️
HmMmMm I’m also reflecting on my disordered habit of using relationships to fill a nebulous, personal hole. I long for romance, but I feel more aligned with this opportunity of allowing community/brotherhood fill the companionship gap.
in queer relationships as well as in relationship anarchy, platonic love and intimacy are often viewed as of equal importance to romantic love. im a 44 year old childless “spinster” living alone with two dogs…finding my chosen family and deconstructing heteronormative relationship ideologies/brainwashing has given me a new lease on life. learning how to love my time alone and learning how to lean on and into my friends has been a gift. the partnerships i have now are liberated from the burden of having to be “the ONE”. excited for you on this journey 💘
The closeness and regulation you seek was found in that surprisingly pleasant “Sad Girl Wednesday Night,” sitting around a fire, and humming to a tune with your friends. I love this article. I also seek intimacy in friendship, but I disagree with you that it’s simply “not done.” I have to disagree with you even though I concede that it is exceptional. Romance is the story that intimacy can feel safer in--but you felt intimacy letting your humming voice be heard, wrapped up the voices of others, and altogether, you and your friends embraced each other in the story of the music. The voice is as physical as our limbs, it can touch and feel and bring pleasure and pain. I really appreciate your article!
wow, YES. i’m mulling this over too- fresh out of a breakup, constructing my new own life, and letting another ex visit as we try our hand at friendship and reconfiguring what love and tenderness means to us single- and so appreciate this post and your thoughts 🌟🕯️
When I look back on one of the most joyous times of my life, it wasn’t when I was partnered and living in domesticity. It was living with a gaggle of roommate friends who were all on a similar wavelength of figuring it all out. The care we all provided for one another without an inkling of romantic intimacy seems, now looking back, an even deeper lever of love.
Something I’ve caught myself fantasizing about is a party of just my exes. If only some of them could meet one another without the possessiveness of sharing a former partner - what great friends some of them would be! This idea though ludicrous (I guess?) warms my heart as it reinforces that while it has not been in the cards for these relationships to exist forever - not that any one can - but I truly at my core cherish these people and wish through friendships our knowing one another could have lived on.
I have been in a great relationship-then-marriage since the age of 19. I'm now 47. I also have a mostly healthy, loving family of origin and a career that has felt purposeful and fulfilling. I've lucked into most of the things people ache for in their lives. I'm also a middle-aged White male in the U.S.A. with all the privileges that affords. But I still resonated with this. I think as a society we have let ourselves give up communal life (which has plenty of its own complications) and replaced it with the idea that we can center the world around ourselves. We pursue the idea of making ourselves or our nuclear family units self-sufficient islands, so long as we can make enough money to keep ourselves well-fed and entertained. But even island life that from the outside looks like paradise can be lonely at times.
I do want to put in a plug for being friends with one's exes, if you managed to make it out with enough trust and respect intact and can still imagine enjoying each other's company. It can be a difficult transition but it's really worth it in some cases (absolutely not all - very case by case).
On Saturday my ex-husband and I biked to the pool, hung out there for a few hours laying in the grass talking and occasionally jumping in, went for hamburgers, and stopped at Trader Joe's on the bike ride home. He had just returned my e-bike, which he tuned up for me in exchange for borrowing it for a few weeks, and I had brought him some fun travel souvenirs in exchange for the money he spent on parts. We're both happy in other relationships that are a better fit for us, but he's still one of my best friends, and I'm so thankful we didn't throw that out when we figured out our relationship didn't work well enough. I understand we may be a rare case, but I also wish I'd seen more models of this so I feel compelled to put it out into the world - it's possible.
Love this share, it has stayed with me over the last few weeks. Thank you.
God this essay makes me grieve for the close platonic friendships with women I've cultivated over the years. While they still exist, the calls of American commerce scatter us in a shitty diaspora across thousands of miles and our connections becomes just another feed to read. In my area, I know I will rebuild. It just takes time - and it's slower with every repetition, especially with a child.
The inner whispering of “this, not that” gave me good chills
:) Thanks for reading.
Thank you for this. I relate to so much of what you wrote, though I come at it with a different perspective as someone who has been single for most of my life. My one long term partner was my friend for years before we were together and though we tried to be friends after we ended, it was too painful. Only after many years do I feel like we could be friends again. I miss my friend. But now our lives are very different; he’s married with a house and a baby and I’m single trying to figure out how to build a life outside the norm of a nuclear family. I so fear losing my friends to their partners as they become more intertwined and retreat further into their own unit. It’s hard being single in a world built for couples. It feels like everyone assumes singlehood is a temporary state on the way to partnership. But what if it’s not for me? What if I prefer to prioritize other relationships including the one with myself? I can only hope to find a community and living situation as nourishing as yours seems ❤️
Just started this book, maybe you will feel validated by it the way I have so far https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250333025/theothersignificantothers
Thanks for the rec!
https://open.substack.com/pub/kameronabilla/p/friendship-at-the-center?r=egbfz&utm_medium=ios I wrote about this fantastic book here!
i like the idea of relationship anarchy as a means of divorcing myself of the patriarchy and its traps and i also deeply fantasize about building a home/life with one person who is waiting for me on the porch with a dog.
Thank you for your beautiful, genuine, sincere letters, Anna. You open my heart to the concept of community as a living organism, a thing that morphs. In our culture of rules and restrictions, that unpredictable freedom can feel scary. But maybe it is its own kind of brave beauty, if we can let it be.
Thank you for reading and saying so. <3
♥️
A banger of an essay. This resonates a lot. I am friends with my ex boyfriend of 5 years, and while I love him dearly it’s very much in a family way. I’m glad we remained friends even though other people give it the side eye. I desperately wanted a relationship and someone to rely on for a couple years but recently I’ve come to accept being single. Not quite “giving up” but just appreciating being single and the flexibility.
I'm appreciating it too, the peace.
“It’s not the relationships that I miss. It isn’t the romantic partnership or compulsive monogamy that I crave. I just want my friends back.” I know exactly how you feel ❤️
HmMmMm I’m also reflecting on my disordered habit of using relationships to fill a nebulous, personal hole. I long for romance, but I feel more aligned with this opportunity of allowing community/brotherhood fill the companionship gap.
Thanks for making me feel less alone!
in queer relationships as well as in relationship anarchy, platonic love and intimacy are often viewed as of equal importance to romantic love. im a 44 year old childless “spinster” living alone with two dogs…finding my chosen family and deconstructing heteronormative relationship ideologies/brainwashing has given me a new lease on life. learning how to love my time alone and learning how to lean on and into my friends has been a gift. the partnerships i have now are liberated from the burden of having to be “the ONE”. excited for you on this journey 💘
*raises hand* Thank you
The closeness and regulation you seek was found in that surprisingly pleasant “Sad Girl Wednesday Night,” sitting around a fire, and humming to a tune with your friends. I love this article. I also seek intimacy in friendship, but I disagree with you that it’s simply “not done.” I have to disagree with you even though I concede that it is exceptional. Romance is the story that intimacy can feel safer in--but you felt intimacy letting your humming voice be heard, wrapped up the voices of others, and altogether, you and your friends embraced each other in the story of the music. The voice is as physical as our limbs, it can touch and feel and bring pleasure and pain. I really appreciate your article!
I feel very seen reading this. The love is mutual cowboy!
Thank you Morgan.
wow, YES. i’m mulling this over too- fresh out of a breakup, constructing my new own life, and letting another ex visit as we try our hand at friendship and reconfiguring what love and tenderness means to us single- and so appreciate this post and your thoughts 🌟🕯️
Thanks for reading. Thinking of this book for all freshies-out-of-a-breakup: https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250333025/theothersignificantothers
This is really really beautiful
I relate to every. single. thought here.
When I look back on one of the most joyous times of my life, it wasn’t when I was partnered and living in domesticity. It was living with a gaggle of roommate friends who were all on a similar wavelength of figuring it all out. The care we all provided for one another without an inkling of romantic intimacy seems, now looking back, an even deeper lever of love.
Something I’ve caught myself fantasizing about is a party of just my exes. If only some of them could meet one another without the possessiveness of sharing a former partner - what great friends some of them would be! This idea though ludicrous (I guess?) warms my heart as it reinforces that while it has not been in the cards for these relationships to exist forever - not that any one can - but I truly at my core cherish these people and wish through friendships our knowing one another could have lived on.
Can't stop thinking about an ex party...
I have been in a great relationship-then-marriage since the age of 19. I'm now 47. I also have a mostly healthy, loving family of origin and a career that has felt purposeful and fulfilling. I've lucked into most of the things people ache for in their lives. I'm also a middle-aged White male in the U.S.A. with all the privileges that affords. But I still resonated with this. I think as a society we have let ourselves give up communal life (which has plenty of its own complications) and replaced it with the idea that we can center the world around ourselves. We pursue the idea of making ourselves or our nuclear family units self-sufficient islands, so long as we can make enough money to keep ourselves well-fed and entertained. But even island life that from the outside looks like paradise can be lonely at times.
Thanks for sharing this perspective. Much appreciated.
Beautiful!