hi - I don't usually respond, mostly out of awe and reverence, but this one was different.
I was diagnosed with PMDD two (three?) years ago, when I realized the intensity of my feelings/symptoms were causing harm to the family I was living with. every month, some sort of meltdown would happen, peppered with "you don't want to actually be around me"s, and now that I am in a kind, patient, loving, beautiful relationship -- a lot of "things are ending I need to end this oh my god I am unbearable etc".
then the week is over and it is normal, meditative Grace again. the whiplash is brutal.
when I was diagnosed, I was relieved. and then, in the same breath, burdened by the same personal responsibility sold to us in these books/seed cycling courses/gut healing food programs. (scrolling will bring you to many self-healing methods, as I found out.)
this month, I have given up for the first time in three years to make it better. I think it's the mirror of a relationship that makes the feeling feel... more... Big? but I don't think they're things *I don't feel at all*. they're just ones that get brought up to the surface. and I have given up trying to push them down and make them different.
to put it shortly, thank you. you do not know how much it means to not feel alone in this.
Wow. Anna. Thank you so much, not only for writing this (and all the things that you write and create and put out into the world. I especially love the poster in my dining room), but especially for sharing it. As a man I will never fully be able to understand the experience of periods, but as a healthcare provider, I have conversations about periods almost daily with patients. Reading stories like this help me take much better care of my patients and help me just begin to understand what they're going through. And as a partner of women, who does his best to be aware of such things, it helps me create a space where I can listen to better understand so that we don't have to push this topic under the rug(if my partner is interesting in talking about this). Going to be sharing this one a lot.
YESSSSSSS no more outsmarting period propaganda. It is not good to suffer but i am thankful that my body forces me to confront my own sadness and anger/the collective anguish every month. Thank you
😭 ugly cried to my partner last night because of my own struggles with monthly PMDD, ugly crying right now because I feel so seen.
I quite literally just left my therapist’s office (where I also — you guessed it — ugly cried), where I explained that my feelings around day 24-25 become so immense that I want to end it all. pour the gas, light the match, surgically & biochemically remove everything about me that makes me become this bleeding, raging creature each month. assume a new identity where I am not her.
the ways my own grief after the death of my daughter last year have un-quantifiably changed and amplified the trajectory of my cyclical depressive/reactive patterns are something I haven’t heard described accurately outside of my own journal until reading your writing, just now.
all this to say — thank you. this letter landed at precisely the right time for me, which is not what it’s about, but thank you. & please know you are so very far from alone 🕊️
It’s so important to recognize your cycle not as something to overcome but as an integral part of our evolved biology. Thank you for shattering the glass container we stash these conversations and stories away in. There are ancient mythological accounts of menstrual cycles in many cultures but maybe part of the work is filtering through them and bringing the empowering portions to light
The way I cried then sent quotes to my boyfriend. We have had so many versions of the flea market fight over the years. He has been a gentle observer with a front row seat every month and luckily I haven’t self sabotaged my way out of the relationship in the few days up to my period (despite some truly hair raising outbursts). Thank you thank you thank you for articulating the exact craziness I feel inflicted with every month despite *doing all the things* to live in hormonal harmony. Perhaps it’s the portal for change that calls us to revisit, every month, our partners, our paths, our present. Like an emotional kiln of some sort. I don’t know. But I appreciate you.
Such incredible and beautifully articulated insight into something my gender so often dismisses or refutes altogether. I really appreciate your transparency and care. It helps me be a more empathetic and understanding man.
I've noticed a similar pattern in my cycle. Maybe it's a biological adaptation to eliminate/scare away (unworthy) potential mates so that by the time the next ovulation comes around we are more likely to be doing it with someone who isn't afraid of the power that our emotions carry?
Thank the Lord (Lord Cowboy, that is) for this! Coming off hormonal birth control after 15+ years of being on it has me shocked at what my body was meant to do, and what it goes through to do it. If we can practice some compassion for ourselves and other women, it'd be a good start in re-jigging the menstrual milieu.
I just love this Anna, you wrote into being what so many of us are trying to process, met over and over with empty propaganda and indifference. Will be sharing this and referring back to it.
This is the most close I’ve ever felt to another females writing about periods. Like I know we all ~feel~ things every month but I ~feeeel~ things on a catastrophic level. Thank you for writing.
This letter hit deep notes for me, thank you for putting it into words. As if the pain and discomfort that our cycles cause isn't enough, the (very valid and natural) pattern of emotions that accompany us on our cycles are an equal battle and so often ignored.
I don’t think there is truly a way to convey the full body takeover that menstruation has to someone who has never lived it and I certainly don’t think there are enough honest articles or resources to help anyone understand what we truly experience. I struggle with defining this to my partner every month without feeling undermined, although he is a wonderful and deeply understanding man, he just can’t grasp it.
I really appreciated this letter because it just hit so close to home on a topic that half of the world experiences and a fraction of the world sheds light on. This article speaks on the history of women, our ancestors forgotten because they were too loud or too soft or too much of anything in between. Women who were forced to grasp at straw to connect to and understand their cycles, be it alone or together, but never publicly. The stories lost within these women forgotten is why female reproductive medicine if so far behind where it should be, the fact that we are meant to live in a 28 day rhythm in a world that only accepts a 24 hour cycle.
I loved how you wrote about trying to dissect or separate the part or us that bleeds only to ultimately understand that it is an unshakable part of us. Sometimes I think it’s a part of us that is buried deep down, kicking and fighting to get out, if only for those few days.
I think we all should have started our regular meltdowns a while ago, especially when I think of all the layers of womanhood that make me want to scream in a world where our screams are silenced and debased.
Whewwww! To all of it!!! Every.single. Month. The weeping, the hopelessness, feeling stupid at best. Everything I spent my month doing, and creating, and working towards can all fly out the window with one comment, one misspelled word, one spilt cup of coffee. In the moment it feels so important to get my partner to understand that “No! It’s not okay! This is real ! What I’m experiencing is real and it hurts!” And just as quick as it comes it leaves and I’m left feeling like I was hit by a freight train and have to put the pieces back together knowing, in a few weeks, it will likely happen all over again.
I have Lymes disease so I’m well versed in the “fixing” of my body. Of the seed cycling, and the supplements, and dietary restrictions. It feels like maybe if I just do it all right, never miss a day, I can keep the luteal wolves at bay. And each time I don’t “do it right” because there is no “doing it right” I’m left feeling completely nuts and also like a total failure.
Thank you for giving voice to this experience. I’ll be sharing it far and wide!
hi - I don't usually respond, mostly out of awe and reverence, but this one was different.
I was diagnosed with PMDD two (three?) years ago, when I realized the intensity of my feelings/symptoms were causing harm to the family I was living with. every month, some sort of meltdown would happen, peppered with "you don't want to actually be around me"s, and now that I am in a kind, patient, loving, beautiful relationship -- a lot of "things are ending I need to end this oh my god I am unbearable etc".
then the week is over and it is normal, meditative Grace again. the whiplash is brutal.
when I was diagnosed, I was relieved. and then, in the same breath, burdened by the same personal responsibility sold to us in these books/seed cycling courses/gut healing food programs. (scrolling will bring you to many self-healing methods, as I found out.)
this month, I have given up for the first time in three years to make it better. I think it's the mirror of a relationship that makes the feeling feel... more... Big? but I don't think they're things *I don't feel at all*. they're just ones that get brought up to the surface. and I have given up trying to push them down and make them different.
to put it shortly, thank you. you do not know how much it means to not feel alone in this.
this. is. so. relatable. & not far off from my own experience every month.
"Why am I trying to get rid of it instead of making sure it has a benevolent cave to explode in?"
~beautiful, Anna.
Wow. Anna. Thank you so much, not only for writing this (and all the things that you write and create and put out into the world. I especially love the poster in my dining room), but especially for sharing it. As a man I will never fully be able to understand the experience of periods, but as a healthcare provider, I have conversations about periods almost daily with patients. Reading stories like this help me take much better care of my patients and help me just begin to understand what they're going through. And as a partner of women, who does his best to be aware of such things, it helps me create a space where I can listen to better understand so that we don't have to push this topic under the rug(if my partner is interesting in talking about this). Going to be sharing this one a lot.
YESSSSSSS no more outsmarting period propaganda. It is not good to suffer but i am thankful that my body forces me to confront my own sadness and anger/the collective anguish every month. Thank you
😭 ugly cried to my partner last night because of my own struggles with monthly PMDD, ugly crying right now because I feel so seen.
I quite literally just left my therapist’s office (where I also — you guessed it — ugly cried), where I explained that my feelings around day 24-25 become so immense that I want to end it all. pour the gas, light the match, surgically & biochemically remove everything about me that makes me become this bleeding, raging creature each month. assume a new identity where I am not her.
the ways my own grief after the death of my daughter last year have un-quantifiably changed and amplified the trajectory of my cyclical depressive/reactive patterns are something I haven’t heard described accurately outside of my own journal until reading your writing, just now.
all this to say — thank you. this letter landed at precisely the right time for me, which is not what it’s about, but thank you. & please know you are so very far from alone 🕊️
It’s so important to recognize your cycle not as something to overcome but as an integral part of our evolved biology. Thank you for shattering the glass container we stash these conversations and stories away in. There are ancient mythological accounts of menstrual cycles in many cultures but maybe part of the work is filtering through them and bringing the empowering portions to light
The way I cried then sent quotes to my boyfriend. We have had so many versions of the flea market fight over the years. He has been a gentle observer with a front row seat every month and luckily I haven’t self sabotaged my way out of the relationship in the few days up to my period (despite some truly hair raising outbursts). Thank you thank you thank you for articulating the exact craziness I feel inflicted with every month despite *doing all the things* to live in hormonal harmony. Perhaps it’s the portal for change that calls us to revisit, every month, our partners, our paths, our present. Like an emotional kiln of some sort. I don’t know. But I appreciate you.
Such incredible and beautifully articulated insight into something my gender so often dismisses or refutes altogether. I really appreciate your transparency and care. It helps me be a more empathetic and understanding man.
I've noticed a similar pattern in my cycle. Maybe it's a biological adaptation to eliminate/scare away (unworthy) potential mates so that by the time the next ovulation comes around we are more likely to be doing it with someone who isn't afraid of the power that our emotions carry?
Thank the Lord (Lord Cowboy, that is) for this! Coming off hormonal birth control after 15+ years of being on it has me shocked at what my body was meant to do, and what it goes through to do it. If we can practice some compassion for ourselves and other women, it'd be a good start in re-jigging the menstrual milieu.
I just love this Anna, you wrote into being what so many of us are trying to process, met over and over with empty propaganda and indifference. Will be sharing this and referring back to it.
I’ve never heard anyone discuss their period in this way, and I am so certain we need more of it. Thank you for sharing your voice with us.
This is the most close I’ve ever felt to another females writing about periods. Like I know we all ~feel~ things every month but I ~feeeel~ things on a catastrophic level. Thank you for writing.
Hot. Damn.
Can we all stand up and applaud, THEN CLAIM the words in this work? We are meant to be this way. I want to be this way.
Thank you.
This letter hit deep notes for me, thank you for putting it into words. As if the pain and discomfort that our cycles cause isn't enough, the (very valid and natural) pattern of emotions that accompany us on our cycles are an equal battle and so often ignored.
I don’t think there is truly a way to convey the full body takeover that menstruation has to someone who has never lived it and I certainly don’t think there are enough honest articles or resources to help anyone understand what we truly experience. I struggle with defining this to my partner every month without feeling undermined, although he is a wonderful and deeply understanding man, he just can’t grasp it.
I really appreciated this letter because it just hit so close to home on a topic that half of the world experiences and a fraction of the world sheds light on. This article speaks on the history of women, our ancestors forgotten because they were too loud or too soft or too much of anything in between. Women who were forced to grasp at straw to connect to and understand their cycles, be it alone or together, but never publicly. The stories lost within these women forgotten is why female reproductive medicine if so far behind where it should be, the fact that we are meant to live in a 28 day rhythm in a world that only accepts a 24 hour cycle.
I loved how you wrote about trying to dissect or separate the part or us that bleeds only to ultimately understand that it is an unshakable part of us. Sometimes I think it’s a part of us that is buried deep down, kicking and fighting to get out, if only for those few days.
I think we all should have started our regular meltdowns a while ago, especially when I think of all the layers of womanhood that make me want to scream in a world where our screams are silenced and debased.
Signed, a person who also hates to yell
Whewwww! To all of it!!! Every.single. Month. The weeping, the hopelessness, feeling stupid at best. Everything I spent my month doing, and creating, and working towards can all fly out the window with one comment, one misspelled word, one spilt cup of coffee. In the moment it feels so important to get my partner to understand that “No! It’s not okay! This is real ! What I’m experiencing is real and it hurts!” And just as quick as it comes it leaves and I’m left feeling like I was hit by a freight train and have to put the pieces back together knowing, in a few weeks, it will likely happen all over again.
I have Lymes disease so I’m well versed in the “fixing” of my body. Of the seed cycling, and the supplements, and dietary restrictions. It feels like maybe if I just do it all right, never miss a day, I can keep the luteal wolves at bay. And each time I don’t “do it right” because there is no “doing it right” I’m left feeling completely nuts and also like a total failure.
Thank you for giving voice to this experience. I’ll be sharing it far and wide!