Your words always seem to come at the right time. I’m currently apart from my partner, I don’t know when I’ll see him next. It’s not going to be a month, but it might be weeks, and it’s the first time I’ve not known when I’ll see him next. We call and text so my anxiety takes a different shape than yours, but it still springs up, every single day, and I couldn’t until now understand why. He’s been my wolf for a year and I’ve been his and I’ve given him so much of myself that now I am terrified of being left alone. Turns out I’m not sure there’s enough of me left to keep me sane when he’s not around. But it’s been a couple of days and I’ve been fine. I’ve made plans and fed myself, and now I read your newsletter, and I’m writing this comment not so much because I want you to read it but because I need to put this in writing. I’ll be fine. I can be my own wolf.
This is achingly beautiful to me, especially as a person who wants (needs?) this same kind of solitude/space myself - even within my loving partnership.
Thanks for saying so. Knowing you need this kind of space makes me feel like I could be strong enough to give the same kind of space to myself someday too.
Feels like a prime time to share this wisdom by 38 special:
“Just hold on loosely
But don't let go
If you cling too tightly
You're gonna lose control”.
Currently on a solo trip in SE Asia for two months without my loving partner. Equal parts difficult and transformative in a way that makes me more sure of us than ever. Sending you peace. Also love the name you’ve chosen for your playground / studio / NOT a baby
I respect how you are able to separate your feelings from the opinions of your friends, particularly when you are also working through what this emotional space means for your needs. It reminds me of a quote from Martha Beck along the lines of, "stop coming to consensus and start coming to your senses." I admire you
I’ve been married for 25 years and time apart has defined our relationship. My husband’s job has him traveling every other week and when we were younger he was in the military. (He enlisted to pay for college.) We spent the first year of marriage living halfway across the country from each other while he was in pilot training and I was in grad school. This was in the late 90s, so communication as we know it today wasn’t possible. No texting, no internet connected cell phones. It wasn’t easy in the beginning, partly because so many people thought it was weird we were married and apart so much. But we’ve had a really easy marriage and I think the independence that the time apart encouraged is part of it. We are two individuals who choose to be together. We both have room to pursue our individual interests and time to do together the things we love. We also must trust each other in a way people in a more conventional relationship don’t necessarily have to. I think that’s a good thing. Trust is an active choice when you’re apart as much as we are.
Kim, thank you so much for sharing this perspective and your experience. It is so valuable to me as someone who hasn't had a partnership longer than three years, and as someone who definitely has a lot of room to grow in the trust department. Thanks for reading and I encourage your perspective and reflections on future letters because god knows I need them.
The older I get, the more I realize that the very seat of committed relationship is trust. Without it, there's no space for us to grow, and without growing, we're setting ourselves up for resentment and rage. For some of us, deep periods of alone are part of that growth.
There are a thousand things I can't learn here in my house with my husband and kid. And I want to learn those things, need to learn them! So, when a chance arises for any of us to go away and be away and reconnect with our solo selves, we try our best to take it.
Because I came of age before cellphones and internet, part of "go away and be away" is being unavailable, unreachable, on the metaphorical Appalachian Trail. I think it's fabulous and shows a lot of understanding about his own needs that T. takes this time each year to be alone. And I think it shows a lot of understanding that you have let him, and that you are feeling everything this separation brings up and sharing your process with us.
Also, how appropriate is this letter during the cycle of the Wolf Moon?
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective and experience. I really love hearing from people who have husbands and kids because it's easy for me to take certain things about my life for granted. Sometimes I think not having those dependents or structures means that I don't fully understand how valuable the solitude and independence is. I love what you said "part of "go away and be away" is being unavailable, unreachable, on the metaphorical Appalachian Trail." I will think of this while I am navigating all of the feelings. Thanks for reading.
I spent a week last month in Yellowstone – including the Winter Solstice – at the Lamar Buffalo Ranch, where you can still trudge up Rose Creek and see the remains of one of the reintroduction enclosures wolves were introduced through. That entire valley is Mighty.
Wow this is a potent missive for me in this moment, thank you for coming out of hibernation! My husband and I had an earthquake of an argument last week and it shook me to bits. It was the first time in 10 years together that I felt like being apart was maybe the only option. And yet, when the dust had settled a few hours later, we came together and worked through what had come up and we continue on in cohabitation. It’s made me wake up to a few realities of how we were trucking along not really noticing how we were both feeling apart from how we were as a unit. All this to say I discovered « You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For » by Richard C Schwartz and although I fucking hate self help books in general listening to this is feeling REVELATORY. I know you didn’t ask for any input and I know our situations are different but it just came to mind. Take care of your beautiful self x
This is really resonant. Thankyou for the power and vulnerability of this piece. My need for emotional intimacy used to be something I saw as deficit. Now I know it’s just who I am, and I get it from friends instead. Thankyou.
Yes, like - who are the dry wells and who are the very deep rich wells in our lives? Both are okay, but sometimes we can be smart about which ones we head to for something in particular. Thanks for reading.
This resonated so deeply with me Anna, it's a beautiful piece. Until this year I found separation from partners to be very difficult because of the anxieties it would bring up in me. I was chronically attached and dependent upon instant communication, like it somehow was the evidence my anxiety needed that I wasn't going to be abandoned. This year everything started to shift for me, and now I find myself in partnership with my husband being the one who needs time away on my own - so many of my habits around my relationship are shifting, like do we need to stay at the party as long as each other or is it okay if one of us leaves earlier than the other? is it okay if i spend evenings alone in my studio because I don't feel like I can deal with any more human contact? And now -- is it okay to take a few weeks a year to be in the solitude I find myself needing (I am a fellow flip-phone user who has recently fallen out of love with texting)? I couldn't have possibly predicted my needs would change like this, but the one constant that helps me to trust is communication - if we communicate, and choose together (knowing there will be compromises made along the way by each of us), I trust. It's new to me, but practicing is starting to pay off.
Gorgeous piece as usual! This has me thinking a lot about my own guilt for wanting to take long, self-indulgent trips without my husband. Maybe I'm afraid one of us will like it too much? It's funny, I think many people confuse codependence for wanting to be with someone all the time whereas I always see it in the context of control. You've touched on both beautifully here.
Your words always seem to come at the right time. I’m currently apart from my partner, I don’t know when I’ll see him next. It’s not going to be a month, but it might be weeks, and it’s the first time I’ve not known when I’ll see him next. We call and text so my anxiety takes a different shape than yours, but it still springs up, every single day, and I couldn’t until now understand why. He’s been my wolf for a year and I’ve been his and I’ve given him so much of myself that now I am terrified of being left alone. Turns out I’m not sure there’s enough of me left to keep me sane when he’s not around. But it’s been a couple of days and I’ve been fine. I’ve made plans and fed myself, and now I read your newsletter, and I’m writing this comment not so much because I want you to read it but because I need to put this in writing. I’ll be fine. I can be my own wolf.
Thank you, as always, but a little more today ♥️
Mmm so glad you shared this. I love when we are synced.
This is achingly beautiful to me, especially as a person who wants (needs?) this same kind of solitude/space myself - even within my loving partnership.
Thanks for saying so. Knowing you need this kind of space makes me feel like I could be strong enough to give the same kind of space to myself someday too.
Feels like a prime time to share this wisdom by 38 special:
“Just hold on loosely
But don't let go
If you cling too tightly
You're gonna lose control”.
Currently on a solo trip in SE Asia for two months without my loving partner. Equal parts difficult and transformative in a way that makes me more sure of us than ever. Sending you peace. Also love the name you’ve chosen for your playground / studio / NOT a baby
Haha YES my playground is a really good way to think of it. So loving. Thank you. Safe travels.
“Sometimes I can see my anxiety for what it is, but other times I project it onto the low-hanging fruit of my circumstances”
I feeeeeeel this so strongly today. Thank you for your words 💙
Yes. Trying to just sit with my feelings instead of apply them to the things around me!!!
I respect how you are able to separate your feelings from the opinions of your friends, particularly when you are also working through what this emotional space means for your needs. It reminds me of a quote from Martha Beck along the lines of, "stop coming to consensus and start coming to your senses." I admire you
wow, LOVE that. Thank you for sharing and for reminding me how important that is sometimes.
I’ve been married for 25 years and time apart has defined our relationship. My husband’s job has him traveling every other week and when we were younger he was in the military. (He enlisted to pay for college.) We spent the first year of marriage living halfway across the country from each other while he was in pilot training and I was in grad school. This was in the late 90s, so communication as we know it today wasn’t possible. No texting, no internet connected cell phones. It wasn’t easy in the beginning, partly because so many people thought it was weird we were married and apart so much. But we’ve had a really easy marriage and I think the independence that the time apart encouraged is part of it. We are two individuals who choose to be together. We both have room to pursue our individual interests and time to do together the things we love. We also must trust each other in a way people in a more conventional relationship don’t necessarily have to. I think that’s a good thing. Trust is an active choice when you’re apart as much as we are.
Kim, thank you so much for sharing this perspective and your experience. It is so valuable to me as someone who hasn't had a partnership longer than three years, and as someone who definitely has a lot of room to grow in the trust department. Thanks for reading and I encourage your perspective and reflections on future letters because god knows I need them.
The older I get, the more I realize that the very seat of committed relationship is trust. Without it, there's no space for us to grow, and without growing, we're setting ourselves up for resentment and rage. For some of us, deep periods of alone are part of that growth.
There are a thousand things I can't learn here in my house with my husband and kid. And I want to learn those things, need to learn them! So, when a chance arises for any of us to go away and be away and reconnect with our solo selves, we try our best to take it.
Because I came of age before cellphones and internet, part of "go away and be away" is being unavailable, unreachable, on the metaphorical Appalachian Trail. I think it's fabulous and shows a lot of understanding about his own needs that T. takes this time each year to be alone. And I think it shows a lot of understanding that you have let him, and that you are feeling everything this separation brings up and sharing your process with us.
Also, how appropriate is this letter during the cycle of the Wolf Moon?
I had no idea it was a Wolf Moon! Wow.
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective and experience. I really love hearing from people who have husbands and kids because it's easy for me to take certain things about my life for granted. Sometimes I think not having those dependents or structures means that I don't fully understand how valuable the solitude and independence is. I love what you said "part of "go away and be away" is being unavailable, unreachable, on the metaphorical Appalachian Trail." I will think of this while I am navigating all of the feelings. Thanks for reading.
I spent a week last month in Yellowstone – including the Winter Solstice – at the Lamar Buffalo Ranch, where you can still trudge up Rose Creek and see the remains of one of the reintroduction enclosures wolves were introduced through. That entire valley is Mighty.
Mmm, I was hoping to hear from you on this one. Thanks for reading. I’ve still never been. Maybe someday.
Of course I loved everything else you wrote too. ❤️
Wow this is a potent missive for me in this moment, thank you for coming out of hibernation! My husband and I had an earthquake of an argument last week and it shook me to bits. It was the first time in 10 years together that I felt like being apart was maybe the only option. And yet, when the dust had settled a few hours later, we came together and worked through what had come up and we continue on in cohabitation. It’s made me wake up to a few realities of how we were trucking along not really noticing how we were both feeling apart from how we were as a unit. All this to say I discovered « You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For » by Richard C Schwartz and although I fucking hate self help books in general listening to this is feeling REVELATORY. I know you didn’t ask for any input and I know our situations are different but it just came to mind. Take care of your beautiful self x
I have it on my list because of IFS! Thanks for the nudge. I’ll grab it.
Oooh this was a good one. 10/10 for breaking down relationships stereotypes and wolfing out <3
Thanks for reading :)
This is really resonant. Thankyou for the power and vulnerability of this piece. My need for emotional intimacy used to be something I saw as deficit. Now I know it’s just who I am, and I get it from friends instead. Thankyou.
Yes, like - who are the dry wells and who are the very deep rich wells in our lives? Both are okay, but sometimes we can be smart about which ones we head to for something in particular. Thanks for reading.
yes. ❤️
This resonated so deeply with me Anna, it's a beautiful piece. Until this year I found separation from partners to be very difficult because of the anxieties it would bring up in me. I was chronically attached and dependent upon instant communication, like it somehow was the evidence my anxiety needed that I wasn't going to be abandoned. This year everything started to shift for me, and now I find myself in partnership with my husband being the one who needs time away on my own - so many of my habits around my relationship are shifting, like do we need to stay at the party as long as each other or is it okay if one of us leaves earlier than the other? is it okay if i spend evenings alone in my studio because I don't feel like I can deal with any more human contact? And now -- is it okay to take a few weeks a year to be in the solitude I find myself needing (I am a fellow flip-phone user who has recently fallen out of love with texting)? I couldn't have possibly predicted my needs would change like this, but the one constant that helps me to trust is communication - if we communicate, and choose together (knowing there will be compromises made along the way by each of us), I trust. It's new to me, but practicing is starting to pay off.
Gorgeous piece as usual! This has me thinking a lot about my own guilt for wanting to take long, self-indulgent trips without my husband. Maybe I'm afraid one of us will like it too much? It's funny, I think many people confuse codependence for wanting to be with someone all the time whereas I always see it in the context of control. You've touched on both beautifully here.
Brilliant title 💛
Wolf maybe feels like my next tattoo