Reading your list describing your ideal you, sounded a lot like an ideal woman through a man’s lens. Doesn’t age, no complaints, always chill and sexy. Internalized misogyny is a real head fuck. When I try to go back and watch nostalgic rom cons I’m always hit in the face with it, which is to say culturally we’ve been modelled an ideal that isn’t very empowering. I’ve been there more than I’d like to admit ❤️
i hope what you've written here serves as a reminder to us all in the first days of this new year. there's so much pressure! there's no need for a new me.
"...But this perfect version of myself? They don’t exist. If anything, they’re only a projection of my ego, and choosing to hold onto it is a permanent contract with forever breaking my own heart. I’ve found the more irritating and difficult truth to hold is that who I am currently is not a dress rehearsal for the day the real me struts onto the stage. In this moment, right now, I am more me than I will ever be. Which means that in this moment, with all my imperfections, with all my ideas of “not being there,” I am in fact, there. I am here. Here, my heart is calling out for love and grace.
In reflecting on what was time for me to call in this year, what rose up was gentleness. To soak myself in compassion and let the waters of softness be a guide. "
I feel like you just described the last 3 years of my life. Tumultuous, ungrounded, and constantly feeling guilty for my inability to be all of the things I'm trying to be. I often think about what my life would look like if Instagram and mirrors weren't a part of my daily experience. I don't find myself actively comparing or judging often, but being off IG for the past two weeks I feel like I'm tuning into what I actually want/need, and not what others are telling me I need. There's a constant feed of all of the things you could be doing, thinking, wearing, saying. And yay, that can be inspiring! But I think that it mostly feels overwhelming, bc how could I possibly do it all? Travel, and rest, and journal, and meditate, and be sexy, and live sustainably, and look spontaneous and young despite having a baby, and look so good doing it? Even if I'm in a beautiful setting, IG brings my subconscious elsewhere, to other people's beautiful experiences, and makes me wonder why I'm not there or when will I be there? I'm rambling. All I'm saying is I needed this connection because i've been grappling with it myself. So thank you, this helps give me new direction. <3
so much to reflect on but this bit...”I treat the current version of me, both the mental and physical, like a temporary “host” while I achieve becoming the me I think I should be.” really brought me back to my dieting days, and what it felt like to live so much of my life waiting for a better version of myself before I could love them. thank you for sharing all of this, it feels genius and also obvious, aka true wisdom.
Raw, reflective, and a beautiful read as always! I connected so much to this writing and think I might need to get “Why am I experiencing deep shame at the skate rink?” Printed on a T-shirt. Thank you for sharing💖
ANNA, oh my goodness. I cried reading this to my partner at the kitchen counter while he was cooking. We've been having this conversation - this same spiral - for nearly a year now (or, possibly, the entirety of our relationship?).
We recently got engaged and.. I wasn't happy. I wasn't thrilled that the person I love wants to show me this love in a celebration and ritual. I was mad because I wasn't in the headspace I wanted to be in when we got engaged, and I couldn't control the moment, and I RUINED IT WITH MY TORMENTED, SELF-LOATHING, CRY BABY SELF.
Thank you for putting the incredibly painful experience of hiding from ourselves, rejecting ourselves, and failing to love ourselves into such poetry. I am genuinely unendingly grateful, and your essay is coming to therapy with me on Monday.
you always manage to articulate feelings and experiences I have in myself so accurately. It's really an incredible gift. Wishing you peace and some time to spend with yourself this week <3
“And just maybe I wouldn’t feel so needy if I didn’t spend so much time making me wrong.” ain’t that the truth. Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable piece, Anna.
gosh. thank you so much for sharing. "with this kind of pressure, it is easy to see why I am out of touch with who I am." this idea of rejecting ourselves is a reality and one I am trying to find ways not to do, or less of everyday. thank you for such an honest share.
Mm this one made my heart hurt because it is also a true reflection of how I reject myself day in and day out. You always leave me with much to think about that lasts for weeks. Lots of love 💓
Reading your list describing your ideal you, sounded a lot like an ideal woman through a man’s lens. Doesn’t age, no complaints, always chill and sexy. Internalized misogyny is a real head fuck. When I try to go back and watch nostalgic rom cons I’m always hit in the face with it, which is to say culturally we’ve been modelled an ideal that isn’t very empowering. I’ve been there more than I’d like to admit ❤️
i hope what you've written here serves as a reminder to us all in the first days of this new year. there's so much pressure! there's no need for a new me.
i reread Annika Hansteen Izora's post from January 2022 and it resonates with your writing (https://annikahansteenizora.substack.com/p/on-gentleness-and-the-new-year):
"...But this perfect version of myself? They don’t exist. If anything, they’re only a projection of my ego, and choosing to hold onto it is a permanent contract with forever breaking my own heart. I’ve found the more irritating and difficult truth to hold is that who I am currently is not a dress rehearsal for the day the real me struts onto the stage. In this moment, right now, I am more me than I will ever be. Which means that in this moment, with all my imperfections, with all my ideas of “not being there,” I am in fact, there. I am here. Here, my heart is calling out for love and grace.
In reflecting on what was time for me to call in this year, what rose up was gentleness. To soak myself in compassion and let the waters of softness be a guide. "
I feel like you just described the last 3 years of my life. Tumultuous, ungrounded, and constantly feeling guilty for my inability to be all of the things I'm trying to be. I often think about what my life would look like if Instagram and mirrors weren't a part of my daily experience. I don't find myself actively comparing or judging often, but being off IG for the past two weeks I feel like I'm tuning into what I actually want/need, and not what others are telling me I need. There's a constant feed of all of the things you could be doing, thinking, wearing, saying. And yay, that can be inspiring! But I think that it mostly feels overwhelming, bc how could I possibly do it all? Travel, and rest, and journal, and meditate, and be sexy, and live sustainably, and look spontaneous and young despite having a baby, and look so good doing it? Even if I'm in a beautiful setting, IG brings my subconscious elsewhere, to other people's beautiful experiences, and makes me wonder why I'm not there or when will I be there? I'm rambling. All I'm saying is I needed this connection because i've been grappling with it myself. So thank you, this helps give me new direction. <3
so much to reflect on but this bit...”I treat the current version of me, both the mental and physical, like a temporary “host” while I achieve becoming the me I think I should be.” really brought me back to my dieting days, and what it felt like to live so much of my life waiting for a better version of myself before I could love them. thank you for sharing all of this, it feels genius and also obvious, aka true wisdom.
our brains are so similar it's coo coo bananas / come to michigan
Raw, reflective, and a beautiful read as always! I connected so much to this writing and think I might need to get “Why am I experiencing deep shame at the skate rink?” Printed on a T-shirt. Thank you for sharing💖
ANNA, oh my goodness. I cried reading this to my partner at the kitchen counter while he was cooking. We've been having this conversation - this same spiral - for nearly a year now (or, possibly, the entirety of our relationship?).
We recently got engaged and.. I wasn't happy. I wasn't thrilled that the person I love wants to show me this love in a celebration and ritual. I was mad because I wasn't in the headspace I wanted to be in when we got engaged, and I couldn't control the moment, and I RUINED IT WITH MY TORMENTED, SELF-LOATHING, CRY BABY SELF.
Thank you for putting the incredibly painful experience of hiding from ourselves, rejecting ourselves, and failing to love ourselves into such poetry. I am genuinely unendingly grateful, and your essay is coming to therapy with me on Monday.
With love!
you always manage to articulate feelings and experiences I have in myself so accurately. It's really an incredible gift. Wishing you peace and some time to spend with yourself this week <3
“And just maybe I wouldn’t feel so needy if I didn’t spend so much time making me wrong.” ain’t that the truth. Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable piece, Anna.
“In what world do I think I can avoid rejection when I reject myself regularly?” Something to think about this week and beyond ❤️🔥
gosh. thank you so much for sharing. "with this kind of pressure, it is easy to see why I am out of touch with who I am." this idea of rejecting ourselves is a reality and one I am trying to find ways not to do, or less of everyday. thank you for such an honest share.
wow wow I really feel this
thankful for this one 🧡
can’t bully yourself into being better, because just being is the whole thing. loved this read, thank you for sharing 💛
Mm this one made my heart hurt because it is also a true reflection of how I reject myself day in and day out. You always leave me with much to think about that lasts for weeks. Lots of love 💓
THANK U <3