Very “I couldn’t help but wonder” in the best way.
I think our need for trust is so deeply informed by how much we learned to trust our ability to be loved and cared for as children. Trust is often referred to in relationship as a blanket concept, unexplained. Defining what it is that we individually *need to have trust in* may alleviate the pressure to simply “trust so love can follow”. Trust in our own judgement? Trust in the capacity of others to do the best they can? Trust in the divinity of all things? Trust in the timing of our lives?
It really is often an “unexplained blanket concept” (thank you for promoting my thoughts with that point). Sitting with that I think of boundaries that I’ve established with whoever - it’s based on my level of trust with them, but it is in fact the best way that I can love them. It’s very Brené Brown, but I agree that I don’t have to trust people to love them. On the other hand, I might have to trust people before I let them love me... and that’s something to sit with.
I was on a drive with my grandma a few years ago and I remember being caught off-guard when she said flat out, "I don't trust anyone." She is an incredibly loving, generous person who loves to open her home to family and strangers alike. It didn't make sense until she told me her only trust is in her God, and that her faith led to an abundant ability to love others despite recognizing that everyone is flawed and will not meet her needs, and vice versa. I have often thought of this conversation when the topic of trust in relationships comes up, so this piece was thrilling and I feel it full-heartedly. Thinking of you, xx
I think trust is intertwined with uncertainty and vulnerability. Not trusting anyone might be the surest path to survival but the fun of any story or life is to embrace the risk of meaning-making. Write a poem, go surfing, make a painting, or commit your life to the lines painted on the middle of the road of Highway 1 in Big Sur, there's no exchange with our world that is trust-less because we don't know what's coming around the bend in the road. I took my two-year-old surfing today, sitting on the nose of a longboard and I'm not sure which one of us felt more out of their comfort zone and it was the scariest and most fun thing I've ever done. He trusted me and I trusted something I don't have the words to name. Even typing these words I have a form of trust that they'll be read with care. Trust is a human superpower. "Don't trust anyone" needs an asterisk that reads "trust some people, some of the time". Otherwise I'm not sure what we're here for. Trust is fundamental to being alive and doing things like walking and seeing. Maybe trust isn't a result of love, it might be the other way around.
PS the two-year-old won't stop telling us all about surfing now
This challenges everything that I've ever experienced in love and also everything I've learned in psychology studies ... and for that reason, I love it. Gives me so much to think about from a new angle.
I agree. I think a healthy amount of suspicion is ok, even healthy, especially if you’ve been burned in the past. Love will survive even when you pose difficult questions and sometimes those will arise because of a lack of trust x
I've always been a little suspect of the notion of trust. I've also been a person who loves wild motherfuckers. I've been a pretty wild motherfucker. I think I've been prone to throwing myself on other people's bonfires to not great effect for my own sense of balance, but I am bored with the conversations around "safe spaces", not because I think people need to out raw dogging everything, but because It feels like a journey to a cozy chair by a fire with tea where the things I love can't get in the door. I don't know. That's oversimplifying. I'm a drug addict in recovery with a bunch of shit to mull over. Once again, I appreciate you getting the ball rolling. Here for it. So often my answer to things is "who cares?" Not like "fuck it" more like "let the overthinkers overthink..Imma fuck around and find out". My therapist loves it. Hope you are well.
In the times of obsessively looking for red flags and cultivating a distorted sentiment of deserving, trust kinda became a currency in bargaining for love and power. And it’s really overrated. My therapist says that paranoia (as in, the opposite of trust) is a very strong wish of being in a close relationship, just negatively reversed. So whether I’m trusting or being paranoid, it has more to do with how I feel more comfortable relating to the world. It’s not a prerequisite for love.
Very “I couldn’t help but wonder” in the best way.
I think our need for trust is so deeply informed by how much we learned to trust our ability to be loved and cared for as children. Trust is often referred to in relationship as a blanket concept, unexplained. Defining what it is that we individually *need to have trust in* may alleviate the pressure to simply “trust so love can follow”. Trust in our own judgement? Trust in the capacity of others to do the best they can? Trust in the divinity of all things? Trust in the timing of our lives?
Thank you as always for making me think 🫶🏼
It really is often an “unexplained blanket concept” (thank you for promoting my thoughts with that point). Sitting with that I think of boundaries that I’ve established with whoever - it’s based on my level of trust with them, but it is in fact the best way that I can love them. It’s very Brené Brown, but I agree that I don’t have to trust people to love them. On the other hand, I might have to trust people before I let them love me... and that’s something to sit with.
I was on a drive with my grandma a few years ago and I remember being caught off-guard when she said flat out, "I don't trust anyone." She is an incredibly loving, generous person who loves to open her home to family and strangers alike. It didn't make sense until she told me her only trust is in her God, and that her faith led to an abundant ability to love others despite recognizing that everyone is flawed and will not meet her needs, and vice versa. I have often thought of this conversation when the topic of trust in relationships comes up, so this piece was thrilling and I feel it full-heartedly. Thinking of you, xx
Love this grandma and all of your stories about her.
i think of trust similar to how i think of forgiveness-- a flow to enter into, a practice to recommit oneself to...there’s no real end in sight
This is so beautifully said: “a practice to recommit oneself over and over again.”
I think trust is intertwined with uncertainty and vulnerability. Not trusting anyone might be the surest path to survival but the fun of any story or life is to embrace the risk of meaning-making. Write a poem, go surfing, make a painting, or commit your life to the lines painted on the middle of the road of Highway 1 in Big Sur, there's no exchange with our world that is trust-less because we don't know what's coming around the bend in the road. I took my two-year-old surfing today, sitting on the nose of a longboard and I'm not sure which one of us felt more out of their comfort zone and it was the scariest and most fun thing I've ever done. He trusted me and I trusted something I don't have the words to name. Even typing these words I have a form of trust that they'll be read with care. Trust is a human superpower. "Don't trust anyone" needs an asterisk that reads "trust some people, some of the time". Otherwise I'm not sure what we're here for. Trust is fundamental to being alive and doing things like walking and seeing. Maybe trust isn't a result of love, it might be the other way around.
PS the two-year-old won't stop telling us all about surfing now
I love this. Thank you.
Perhaps the only person we need to trust is ourselves? And yet how many of us even do that?
This challenges everything that I've ever experienced in love and also everything I've learned in psychology studies ... and for that reason, I love it. Gives me so much to think about from a new angle.
I agree. I think a healthy amount of suspicion is ok, even healthy, especially if you’ve been burned in the past. Love will survive even when you pose difficult questions and sometimes those will arise because of a lack of trust x
What an interesting concept to think about. And think about it, I am! I love your writing. Thank you for sharing.
I've always been a little suspect of the notion of trust. I've also been a person who loves wild motherfuckers. I've been a pretty wild motherfucker. I think I've been prone to throwing myself on other people's bonfires to not great effect for my own sense of balance, but I am bored with the conversations around "safe spaces", not because I think people need to out raw dogging everything, but because It feels like a journey to a cozy chair by a fire with tea where the things I love can't get in the door. I don't know. That's oversimplifying. I'm a drug addict in recovery with a bunch of shit to mull over. Once again, I appreciate you getting the ball rolling. Here for it. So often my answer to things is "who cares?" Not like "fuck it" more like "let the overthinkers overthink..Imma fuck around and find out". My therapist loves it. Hope you are well.
Beautiful and so on point!
In the times of obsessively looking for red flags and cultivating a distorted sentiment of deserving, trust kinda became a currency in bargaining for love and power. And it’s really overrated. My therapist says that paranoia (as in, the opposite of trust) is a very strong wish of being in a close relationship, just negatively reversed. So whether I’m trusting or being paranoid, it has more to do with how I feel more comfortable relating to the world. It’s not a prerequisite for love.
Trust as a ripple in love’s wake. So good.
I just sent this link to my godson who is returning home to camp with his wife and 3 kids after he moved out 8 months.
Perfect timing
My favorite line is “What if trust is not the reason for our loving, but simply another result of our loving”
Nice Piece!