OF COURSE you accidentally sent that text to your mother. I can sympathize with that cherry on top of the crap Sunday(e) my Mother’s Days have historically turned out to be. My sister and I used to call it “Sarah & Suzy Are the Worst Daughters on Earth Day”. When we eventually learned of our mom’s bi-polar diagnosis, it made a little more sense. It still took me a very long time to accept that I’m not responsible for her emotional or financial stability. We didn’t see her this past weekend, and I’m debating taking part in this weekend’s reschedule. Here’s to healing, day by day 💜
Sky– this one hit hard for me. My mother is a stroke survivor and while her memory is mostly intact, there are many instances where she forgets things and is resentful of how her children are "treating her badly." I'll never forget a Christmas in college when I told her I was too broke to get her a gift so I took her out to lunch at a cheap Mexican restaurant as her gift. She said "don't worry about it, I was once a broke college student, I understand." Then she forgot we had that conversation altogether and stopped speaking to me for 3+ months and told my sisters it was because I didn't bother to get her a Christmas gift. It is equally excruciating and relieving when she forgets about these instances after the fact while I'm still reeling from them. Sending hugs.
Very touching. Thank you. As a youngest daughter I’ve explored this topic deeply, even making a book of my work on the subject which was published recently. Your article made me feel less alone.
Felt like you were writing straight out of my brain. My mother had dementia and died last year and all of what you wrote sits in a very familiar place for me. It's a balm to read this but also know how acutely painful it all is. I never tried throwing rocks but I love this coping mechanism and will incorporate! <3
This sounds like it was an incredibly hard day. Thank you for continuing to write, though, your vulnerability is fucking beautiful and endlessly appreciated.
Also, the part where you say, “I’m still scared of what might happen if I stop acting happy and someone notices. I still feel the urge to apologize for having a full range of emotions—especially anger.” reminds me of a quote from a book I’m currently reading (The Good Life by Hugh MacKay), and it has quickly become one of my favorite quotes and I have shared it with so many people. It’s been transformative for me. I think you may appreciate it:
“I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that—I don’t mind people being happy—but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying ‘write down three things that made you happy today before you go to sleep’ and ‘cheer up’ and ‘happiness is our birthright’ and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position. It’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say, ‘Quick! Move on! Cheer up!’ I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word ‘happiness’ and to replace it with the word ‘wholeness.’ Ask yourself, ‘Is this contributing to my wholeness?’ and if you’re having a bad day, it is."
ur writing is beautiful omg💓✨🩷❣️🐞i wld love if u cld feedback my piece as i’ve started writing again also i was thinking to have a writers chat wld be fun so let me know if u wld wanna be a part of it🙂↕️🙂↕️💓
OF COURSE you accidentally sent that text to your mother. I can sympathize with that cherry on top of the crap Sunday(e) my Mother’s Days have historically turned out to be. My sister and I used to call it “Sarah & Suzy Are the Worst Daughters on Earth Day”. When we eventually learned of our mom’s bi-polar diagnosis, it made a little more sense. It still took me a very long time to accept that I’m not responsible for her emotional or financial stability. We didn’t see her this past weekend, and I’m debating taking part in this weekend’s reschedule. Here’s to healing, day by day 💜
Thank you so much for this share, Sarah. I laughed out loud. In solidarity with you.
Glad I could make you laugh, Sky.
Sky– this one hit hard for me. My mother is a stroke survivor and while her memory is mostly intact, there are many instances where she forgets things and is resentful of how her children are "treating her badly." I'll never forget a Christmas in college when I told her I was too broke to get her a gift so I took her out to lunch at a cheap Mexican restaurant as her gift. She said "don't worry about it, I was once a broke college student, I understand." Then she forgot we had that conversation altogether and stopped speaking to me for 3+ months and told my sisters it was because I didn't bother to get her a Christmas gift. It is equally excruciating and relieving when she forgets about these instances after the fact while I'm still reeling from them. Sending hugs.
Sending love, Liv. I know the feeling.
Very touching. Thank you. As a youngest daughter I’ve explored this topic deeply, even making a book of my work on the subject which was published recently. Your article made me feel less alone.
Thank you, Angela.
One of my favorite Mother's Day reads this year. Appreciate you
Felt like you were writing straight out of my brain. My mother had dementia and died last year and all of what you wrote sits in a very familiar place for me. It's a balm to read this but also know how acutely painful it all is. I never tried throwing rocks but I love this coping mechanism and will incorporate! <3
thank you for your vulnerability!
Your thoughtfulness and consideration is a blessing to your mother, whether she can sense it or not. You’re doing great, even in these moments 🫶
Thank you Sky.
“You’re only as happy as your saddest parent” hit hard. The codependency so real. Thank you for always being so spot on.
<3 Thanks for this.
💜
Your writing is evidence of how healing language can be. Thank you.
Thank you Caroline.
Timely, thank you
❤️
This sounds like it was an incredibly hard day. Thank you for continuing to write, though, your vulnerability is fucking beautiful and endlessly appreciated.
Also, the part where you say, “I’m still scared of what might happen if I stop acting happy and someone notices. I still feel the urge to apologize for having a full range of emotions—especially anger.” reminds me of a quote from a book I’m currently reading (The Good Life by Hugh MacKay), and it has quickly become one of my favorite quotes and I have shared it with so many people. It’s been transformative for me. I think you may appreciate it:
“I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that—I don’t mind people being happy—but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying ‘write down three things that made you happy today before you go to sleep’ and ‘cheer up’ and ‘happiness is our birthright’ and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position. It’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say, ‘Quick! Move on! Cheer up!’ I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word ‘happiness’ and to replace it with the word ‘wholeness.’ Ask yourself, ‘Is this contributing to my wholeness?’ and if you’re having a bad day, it is."
Samantha, thank you for sharing this quote! Just came across your comment while I was commenting myself and this really resonated.
Sky, you are heard and seen.
ur writing is beautiful omg💓✨🩷❣️🐞i wld love if u cld feedback my piece as i’ve started writing again also i was thinking to have a writers chat wld be fun so let me know if u wld wanna be a part of it🙂↕️🙂↕️💓